. . . and then some more . . . More life. More Jesus.

Random Thoughts and Twenty-Four Days

I haven’t been here in exactly one week. I’m back today with a few quick thoughts that don’t feel quick because of the overwhelmed they make me feel.

  • I counted the days again yesterday. In 24 days we will be ready to land in our home country on the other side of the great Atlantic Ocean. Ten of those days will not be here. Next week we’ll be at the beach in Italy (!!) and (:>). The week after that I will travel with my kids for two days to another part of Germany to visit a friend.
  • Suddenly I’m faced with the reality of fifteen days left in this beautiful place we’ve called home for a year, and I don’t quite know how to process that fact.
  • I want to buy gifts for all of my friends. Both here and there. And for everyone I know at home who has any connection to this Land of the Deutsch, because they’ve been here with me in my spirit all year.
  • Shopping feels like therapy.
  • You might think the two previous facts combined would lead to some sort of resolution. However, the overwhelmed saturated brain waves will not allow it. Thus, I am faced with a constant feeling of nausea every time I find something I might want to get for — well, anyone — and try to think if it’s good enough, if they’ll like it, if I should buy it. The answer is always “I don’t know.” So it ends with me returning the thing to the rack before finding something for myself, like the ten Euro shirt I just found. Because I know I will like that. And I don’t have to worry if it’s special enough. Even though I probably don’t need it. And my eleven-year-old will no doubt point that out. And I know I’m teaching her bad habits when I lose myself in such pointless retail-therapy. So I pay and walk out and feel even more overwhelmed because I still want to buy gifts for those special people at home. But I don’t know what to get. So I go find a croissant and a cappuccino and sit down with my notepad so I can make a list. Only the list turns into doodles of overwhelmed.
  • I cleaned out my closet and filled a huge bag with clothes I don’t wear. Now I need to figure out where to take it. so we don’t have to pay to move it back home.
  • Yesterday, I started an 8-week Bible study by Katie Orr and Lara Williams called Love Like Him. Because I’ve been realizing lately how much I don’t really do that — love like Jesus. And how much I need Him to love through all my ugly cracks that make me oh-so-weak.
  • I believe God is using His Word to make me more like Him. More of the loving like He does. Less self-absorbed.
  • God used my friend, Sundi-Jo to help me realize how much I need to learn what it means to walk in the Spirit if I have any chance at all of loving like that.
  • She wrote a book about how God took all her horrible brokenness and turned into this beautiful masterpiece of a woman who loves just like He does. It’s called Dear Dad: Did You Know I was a Princess. I’ve been meaning to tell you about it for the last week. It’s totally worth the read. You will not be disappointed.
  • Last night we went to our oldest daughter’s goodbye-party, which her class gave her. We wandered through the mountains. Literally, over two mountains. For two-and-a-half hours. And ended up at a restaurant/brewery in the middle of nowhere, Germany where we ate some really amazing Bavarian food. I took some video footage. Look for it soon on my facebook page.
  • I have many, many thoughts flying aimlessly through my head. (I’m guessing you can sense that?)
  • I am finding it difficult to express those thoughts. Thus the randomness of this post.
  • I could use a little help getting out of this tunnel of swarming randomness. Can you help? Just answer me this:m How are things in your world?ย 

11 Thoughts on “Random Thoughts and Twenty-Four Days

  1. Brianna, I love reading about your random thoughts, which don’t seem very random to me at all. I hope the next 24 days are a wonderful time of blessing and renewal and preparation for you and your family.

  2. Brianna,

    Your words resonated with me. You are leaving home. What’s been home to you for a while. It’s always filled with unrest. When I’m grieving, then it’s very difficult to make decisions. Wherever I am seems like the wrong place and as soon as I get there I’m ready to go somewhere else. I’m going to commit to praying for you and your family as you make the transitions before you. When I left Germany I felt split in two. Part of me was already home. The other part was in the place I had made home. My stuff was in several places so I felt split up as well.

    You asked how I am in my world. Actually you asked all of us. I feel I am moving through my grief. But if I feel I have left it behind, it quickly rushes in to remind me it’s still here. Looking forward to your video you mentioned. Praying for you Brianna. Be where you are, till you’re somewhere else.

    • Anne, your thoughts = priceless to me. I feel this sense of relief as I read them. In many ways. Split — yes. Grieving — I guess I didn’t realize I have some things to grieve. Because I’m leaving what I’ve known for the last year. And I’ve known I would leave it, but still, somehow I’ve grown accustomed to this living here thing. And to read that you are moving through your grief — and then it comes back out of nowhere sometimes. This has been my experience with grief as well. I totally know what you mean. Thank you so much for your prayers and your friendship. I am praying for you too.

      • We often don’t realize we grieve other things besides loved ones. What I am learning is to embrace the grief. Pushing it down just insures it will emerge later, with even greater force. Keeping busy in an effort to ignore it will cause it to roar a little louder. I will be praying. Embracing it is the way to eventually get it to settle down. Then when you feel it will be with all your feelings not just a facsimile of them. Thoughts from my journey.

  3. I am thinking you are already beginning to say good bye to Germany…and you are trying to figure out where you truly belong these last 24 days.

    Yes, of course, you belong in Wooster, Ohio…which is home …but God has shown you, once again, that home can be many places. Germany has been a home that you shared with us all…not physically, well mom and dad , but vicariously through your words and pictures. But God has shown you Himself in Germany as well as Ohio, Indiana, and Paris.

    This reminds me of Ps 84:11…He is our Sun and Shield, He gives usvGrace and Honor and He doesn’t withhold good things from us if we walk up rightly.
    Your friend Anne is right…you are already starting to grieve…and she is also right, you need (we all need) to embrace y(our) grief, face it head on and keep doing the next thing. You will be soooo excited to be home, but there will be things you miss about Germany…people and places. God has imprinted Germany on your heart. I love how He does that. India is imprinted on mine as well as Bulgaria even though I haven’t physically been to Bulgaria.

    Look at me…I am still trying to figure out who I am since Ted died and its been almost 7 years. And I am happily remarried for almost 3, but still trying to figure out who I am in this new life.

    All in all, we belong in the arms of our dear Lord; that is home for us. And He is the One with the plan, thankfully.

    But personally, I can’t wait to give you a big hug, in Ohio.
    Love you

  4. Elisabeth on May 14, 2013 at 3:58 pm said:

    Ich will nicht daran denken, dass Du jetzt gehen musst.

  5. Linda on May 15, 2013 at 4:34 am said:

    No fancy words, just know I am praying for you because what you are feeling is as others have said what most of us feel when we go through such big changes, no matter where we are going or what we are leaving.

    To encourage you, you have grown so much in the last year, spiritually, emotionally and personally and you have it all in writing!! How exciting, you are taking the best and hardest parts of the last year with you and they will be a part of you forever, for you, your girls and then your grandchildren!! What a blessing that is.. and God has used you in so many ways while you have been there in the beautiful city of Bayreuth.

    So, go ahead and shop, that retail therapy is good!! And my thoughts, no matter what you bring home to your friends they will love it, first because it is from you and second because it is from Germany, in that order!! The important part is YOU will be here and yet you will also be there, a part of you, and that is OK too!!

    That’s all for now!! Please enjoy your last days there, stop and soak them up, write about them on paper and in your heart. Sit and enjoy the company of your friends and the coffee and kuchen!! And have one for me too:)

    Love you much and see you soon!!
    Love, Mom aka Bob….(tee-hee)

  6. Sweet friend!! Even your random is absolutely beautiful and delightful!!! I completely understand the shopping thing, but you should know that your words and your pictures this past year have been constant gifts to everyone who knows and loves you. What a treasure you are, dear friend.
    So keep soaking up your last days in your home away from home and know that these memories will live on, because you have faithfully recorded them.
    Love you and praying for you!
    Oh- and in my world? Just a small thing- enjoying my newborn. ๐Ÿ™‚

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