No More At-Least-I-Haves

I dreamed the other night that we went home for a visit and I forgot everything I knew of German. When we returned, I had to start all over again. It was scary. I actually woke up afraid.

I find myself sometimes struggling to remember a word in English and forgetting how to spell things like “recommend” (did I spell it right?), and this troubles me. Because, you may not know this about me, but I am rather verbal in nature. (I know, shocking! I’ll give you some time to recover from the news. Go ahead and let it soak in .  .  . Okay? You good?) I love things like grammar. (Remember diagraming sentences? Yeah, totally. loved. it. My heart beats fast just thinking about it.) I usually don’t have to wonder how to spell things because I just know it, and when either one of my children needs a word spelled, it’s me they ask. Because they just know I’ll know. So when things like the proper usage of a good word and its correct spelling escape me, something inside of me sends alarms through my veins alerting me that this is all wrong.

Perhaps it’s some kind of phenomenon that has to do with crash-coursing a new language through immersion. I  think that must be it. So much stuff in my brain trying to figure out how to get itself out that it just spills forth in whatever form it can find, whether it’s correct or not. I guess this whole adventure is stripping me down to just raw who-I-am-and-all-I-have-left-at-the-core-of-me in every area of my life. Even the verbal part.

It’s not all bad, this stripping. In fact, it’s sometimes refreshing. Knowing that God is using this place, this time in my life, to solidify my true foundation. To prove to me that He’s the only One that can hold unwavering and always strong. Remembering hour after hour that God Himself is the only Real worth standing my life on. Because I can’t find my life in the place I call home — it’s too small and bugs get in too easily. And I can’t find my life in my relationships with my friends — most of them are thousands of miles away, and that would completely freak out my new friends here. I certainly can’t find my life in my marriage — oh that would be so not fair to my husband. Not in my job as a mom, either — that would so not work when my kids are so unsure and have so much to learn. And now, I can’t even find my life in my communication skills — I mean, really, I can’t remember how to spell “withdrawal.” (I think.)

So, here I sit, stripped of all my “at-least-I-haves” and clothed in the only coverings that can really cover anything anyway.

And, you know what, I’m good with it.

How about you? Are you being stripped of something you’ve always fallen back on? Leave me a comment, and I’ll pray for you if you pray for me.